“I want to live fully, very intensely. I would never want to live partially, suffering from illness or injury. If I ever happen to have an accident that eventually costs my life, I hope it happens in one instant.” — Ayrton Senna
Being Dead used to be ever so easy. They’d put you in a Box, lower you gingerly into the ground and let you rot in peace. Or if the ground in your town was full, they’d throw you on a fire and let you spend the rest of time in a vase, on your mother’s mantelpiece.
Now, though in the same way that you can get married underwater or during a parachute jump, you can choose how you wish to be disposed of when you have done dying, for instance, a former navy seals diver called Derrick Redfern was attached to the nose of a torpedo, which was then detonated on the sea bed. This means that now, and for all time, Mr Redfern is part of the Ocean.
Meanwhile, in Spain, officials at the Cataluña circuit near Barcelona announced that motor racing fans can now be laid to rest at the track. Quite how this will work I don’t know, it’ll certainly be a big nuisance for Mark Webber if he skids in the final corner on Bruce Douglass of Melbourne
Perhaps they mean that a dead person can be used as part of the tire wall. Or maybe to soak up oil spills.
Some may argue that if you are used as a crash barrier or detonated on the sea bed, some of deaths dignity is lost. I’m not sure this is so, because I don’t see much dignity in lying in a box with your eyes leaking out of your face either. Far better, surely, to use your liquefying body as a soft landing for racing drivers. And if you wind up in the streams of the ocean, at least you’ll get to see the Caribbean once and a while.
What would i choose? well, Space is Tempting Because there’s no wind, and it doesn’t change, am I’m delighted to report there is indeed a company that will blast your ashes into orbit for just $500. A word of warning, though. While the company managed to get bets of Gene Roddenberry, the creator of star trek, into orbit, it made it a bit of blunder of things when it came to getting the enterprise’s chief engineer up there. The first time they tried, the rocket crashed and Scotty ended up not in the Andromeda galaxy but just outside Santa Fe, in New Mexico. Happily he was found and he was launched (Again) from a Pacific atoll but that went wrong too when the rocket exploded , sending the Canadian actor into the sea, where, one day he will probably crash head-on into Derrick Redfern. Almost certainly, this is not what either man would have wanted.
I should Also Explain that, if you do manage to get you Loved one in to Low Orbit, they will be a hazard to navigation in the years to come. So don’t come crying to me when what used to be your loved one’s left leg punches a bloody great hole in the died of a space shuttle, killing everyone on board.
Since were told that charity begins at home, its better, I’ve always thought to give $1 million to a hapless person here on the street than give $10 to an organization that provides sandwiches for prisoners in turkey, now, however, it apparently starts in Cambodia.
Some people get all dewy-eyed about Africa. That’s all good but I don’t see the point because I fear that no matter how much money you pump in, the bejeweled pigs that run the place will pump it straight back out again, into the pockets of Kalashnikov and Mercedes Benz. The only thing id send in to the Dark Continent is a team of SAS Hit men to shoot the likes of Mr Mugabe in the Middle Of his face.
Others would say we have enough problems on our own shores without getting all teary over the children of Mr Pot. I Disagree, because these days, every time I think of Underprivileged people in Australia, the hideous face of one of my former School “acquaintance” pops in to my head, all greasy, fat and stupid and its hard to summon up any sympathy at all. Cambodia is different. It’s a country(Duh!) of 14 million people but between them they only have 5 million legs. In fact, there are 25,000 amputees, the highest ration per-capita of any country in the world. This is not because Cambodians are especially clumsy. It is because of landmines.
Nobody knows how many mines were laid during the endless cycle of warfare, but its sure in the millions what we do know is that since the Vietnamese invaded in 1979 and drove the madman Pol Pot into the Hills, 63,000 people have Trodden on one. One man had his left leg blown off Four times. They gave him good prosthetic after the first and second explosions, but since then he has had to make his own out of wood. And it’s still going on today. In most places in the world you can get three rice harvests per year from your paddy field. In Cambodia, its one. The is partly because of the Khmer like a weird sort of rice that’s header to grow, but mostly because its you set off with your plough and within minutes there is a big bang and your water buffalo has become a crimson mist.
You cant even give money to the Cambodian Government for help because I fear they would be extremely enthusiastic and then all the money sent would be spent on fixtures and fittings in the finance ministers next luxury hotel. This if I could raise any money in the first place. Its hard when money’s tight here and everyone else has their own pet project.
I suppose I could write to Ray-Ban asking it to design a cheap pair of Sunglasses that can be worn by someone who has no nose. But then it’d be better if I started work on some designs for the most brilliant mine clearing Vehicle in the world has ever seen. I’m thinking of strapping some Liberal Back Benchers together and then….
It’s becoming increasingly difficult to get hold of a decent performance mouse or keyboard unless you want to go wireless - and anybody whose had the batteries go half way through a RTS match knows how unhelpful a spaghetti-free desk can be.
But what if your wireless keyboard didn’t use batteries…? Has Logitech discovered wireless power transmission?!
Yes, they have: it’s called the sun, and we’ve known about it for a long time. The new K750 model is as eco-friendly as they come, being made of responsible recycled plastic and utilising the free, plentiful and non-greenhouse gas emitting power of solar panels. Don’t ask about the industrial side effects of producing solar panels right now.
Obviously this is useless to all of us, because we live in the dark and curse the Day Star, but it still wins points for cool factor. Artificial light can do the trick, and the built-in luxmeter gives you an idea of how well the glow from your monitor is doing - although probably a blanket not very well will suffice.
The K750 goes for USD $79.99 and includes multiple bonus smug points.
Hey Guys, If you dont know already, I’m Consistently inconsistent.
New Game Reviews will be up soon. currently working on Halo : Reach (Bungie)
and F1 2010 (Codemasters)
So most of my time has been taken up by Reviewing Games and Studying
so Watch this Space!
- Yours Consistently inconsistent BrainWaste.
The China National traffic jam has slowed down thousands of vehicles for more than 100 kilometres and has lasted for ten days. Many drivers have only been able to move their cars 1 km per day, and some drivers have reported being stuck in the traffic jam for five days.
I’ve Never Wanted a LawnMower More in my Life.
clearly, Sunday presents an invaluable opportunity to get many important jobs done around the home, only one of which is mowing the grass. And so the 18.5-tonne, 42-foot-wide Claas Cougar 1400 was born, a lawn mower with the sort of tolerance for time-wasting you see from an F1 pit crew during a tyre change.
Through an uncompromising mix of speed, power and bowel-loosening scale, the Cougar will turn prairie to putting green in less time than it takes most of us to find the keys to the shed. Around 50 acres per hour in fact, which is roughly like mowing The Melbourne Cricket Ground once a minute. And that makes this the agricultural equivalent of the Bugatti Veyron. By the time the rest of us are yanking impotently at our pull starts, the Cougar owner is eyeing up other continents for a bit of cash-in-hand.
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“Mr Alvarez, 23, had grabbed a .38-callbre pistol during a fight with another man and then threatened police with it, He was hit 21 times, but survived, and was today in a critical but stable condition at Harlem Hospital.”
Holy Dog Poop!
Talk about taking a beating.
